Live From Mars

I'm convinced.

This morning I woke up to find I had crossed into my dual universe. I have made a quantum leap and didn't even try very hard. Everyone looks the same, hell, they even sound the same, but other than The Glenster and Millie The Cat (who seem to have remained normal), some strange shift has occurred.

No mail was delivered this morning. This was the first indication that all was not what it seemed. We always get mail - even if it is just one of those useless bundles of 'Revolutionary Home Helpers TM' crap that Postpeople get paid extra to indirectly stuff into our recycling boxes. But never mind, I thought, and off we went to the hospital for 09:30 for my 'final' scan and appointment with The Consultant. We arrived at the antenatal dept like so many times before, but this time I was accosted for a sample. Now, I have never had to provide one before (other than for my normal midwife visits) so I was a little confused. The midwife/nurse person slammed against her seat, totally aghast, thrusted an empty sample bottle into my hand and flicked me towards the door and toilets. There's nothing like peeing on demand.

Although I was the second appointment of the day, I counted 4 other couples going in to see The Consultant in front of me. Maybe I was doing one of my invisibility tricks? The Consultant eventually saw me at 11:00. We did all the niceties, but The Consultant seemed a little different to normal, almost a shell of his usual self; I had my blood pressure checked (another thing that has never happened on a 'Consultant visit'), and then up on the couch for the final scan. The measurements still indicated a larger than average baby with ridiculously long legs, and the CCAM on the baby's lung, although not regressed totally, was still pretty small. Good stuff.

Then the Seven Dimensional Einsteinian Hyperspherical Universe nodded it's head: did I want to pick a date for induction now, or wait for my next appointment with The Consultant? Exsqueeze me? Next appointment - that's when I'm due, surely? Induction? Possible Caesarean? WTF? Have I been living on another planet for the last 35+ weeks? Obviously.

The induction is mainly for the safety of the baby, which I can go with, but as I have always reckoned I'll be early anyway, I have never considered it. Now I am determined to have this baby early.

I'm off to do some research into ways of encouraging the little blighter out before the NHS Army wage 'The War Of The Bump' on me. If anyone knows any old wives tales', helpful tips, safe ways of ensuring an early birth (all after 37 weeks), please feel free to comment below.

I can't believe it's only lunchtime.

Time's-a-tickin...

I came across the 'Spiky-Haired One' again at the end of last week - I think he may have been self-breeding in the house as another electrician metamorphosed from the airing cupboard (it's very warm in there), and that's where last week's electrical problem existed. The heating/water system is all sorted now though and it seems as though the issue of an electrical certificate is the sparky equivalent of pest control - all scuttling, swearing sparkies have now disappeared as if they'd never been here. It's strange, but I almost miss leaving little cups of ridiculously sweet tea around the house for them; and I almost cried when I found a tiny cut off piece of electrical cable embedded in my foot yesterday. It will be tough, but I have to be strong, hope my heating system stays working and find a way forward. Sparky-free.

It has been a rollercoaster ride over the last few weeks though, what with one thing and another, but I am glad to report our house extension/refurb etc has now been passed by the Building Control Inspector. I now await their all important certificate which will allow us to sell our house in the future, if we so wanted. Hallelujah! Never thought this day would come.

The Glenster has been busy in the baby's room deleting the old artex ceiling and perfecting the imperfect walls. Just the emulsion, glossing & the border to go up so we're/he's nearly there. Which is probably just as well as we found out last night that one of the girls in my NCT antenatal class had her baby (prematurely) on Saturday - both mum and baby are good, although baby is in special care/incubator having weighed in at just over 3lbs. Bless. It was a little scary to hear, but it was a really great way to see seven grown men look gravely ill in two seconds flat. Double Bless. ;) Guess we should really go shopping at the weekend and buy some stuff as all our baby would have at the moment is a (nearly) cool room, a bottle steriliser, a funky top for skiing (yes, you read it right) and an outfit for a 3-6 month old. Oh, and a book.

But between now and junior's arrival there's just the staircase to strip, re-stain & varnish and the decking to go back down in the builder's yard (a.k.a 'garden').

I see light glimmer at the end of a very unyeilding, twisted, tenebrous tunnel. Which is hopefully what my baby cannot see at the moment.

The Long Arm of the Law

I'm briefly back in the Land of Blog and oh, what a ball I've been having. More about all of that like Chinese drip torture in the weeks ahead, I'm sure.

So, here we are, April already, and the trial of Corrie's Tracy Barlow topped the TV ratings last night at a peak of 13.1 million: a mere 55% share of the viewing public. Now that's what I call a solid figure. And then I find out the grand finale of ITV's 3-parter "Mobile" (which surprisingly lost approx. 300,000 viewers on last week's ep) was pipped at the post by BBC's "Crimewatch".

So what does that tell us all? Real or fake, Crime Pays. End of.

So, before I rush off to dust down and rewrite yet another draft of my murder mystery, I just have to leave you with the following advert from an e-Bay type site. This is absolutely as I came across it - I haven't doctored a thing for comic slant. A true future classic.

"Offered: Pregnancy Test Kit
Offered is the remainder test of a pack of two. It is in its new box and in a sealed wrapper complete with instructions. Expiry date 10/2008. Have used one test, have no use for this so will just go to waste unless someone can make use of it??"

I will update you on if it sold and if so, how many bidders there were...