Working 9 til 5...I wish

And breathe.

A whirlwind of occurrences, that's the life I lead.  Well, only sometimes these days, anyway.

The week went something like this:

Monday - The Kid was still not very well having just parted company with a sicky, coldy bug but still managed to soldier on through his 8 month check up with The Health Visitor.  He smiled at all the right things, burped loudly followed by a bellow of giggles, frowned when The Health Visitor tickled him under the chin, bobbed up and down to imaginary music and clapped on demand, and then when he got bored he chewed his shoe and farted. I then dropped him off at nursery whilst I headed home to try and get some work done.  It's amazing when you are writing how quickly nursery/school pick up time comes round...6 pages written; 9 calls made; 7 emails responded to.

Tuesday - The Kid took a backwards step in his recovery.  All plans - blown out.  Spent day with ass hovering over sofa, wishing I could just sit down for two seconds without mopping up snot, puke or rocking back and forth...0 pages written; 0 calls made; 0 emails read let alone responded to.

Wednesday - The Kid made a fantastically remarkable recovery and had so much energy all day I bit the bullet and decided to take him to his swimming class.  After a hard hour in the gym I dashed home to make a few calls whilst my Mum was still enthralled with her Grandson.  Perfick...0 pages written; 4 calls made; all emails read; 1 child knackered after a hard swim.

Thursday - first of all, thanks must go to the most courteous Mark for organising another little Blogette/Facebook get-together.  Yet again, a  very enjoyable afternoon which - horror of horrors - turned into an early evening minus child for me.  My system was so shocked by the lack of The Kid's bathtime "splash-splash", the fight to get him into his sleep suit afterwards and then the gentle prodding to keep him awake for his bottle, that I felt the need to consume more than my original 'just the one'...3 new chapters outlined; 5 calls made; 2 meetings attended; 1 social gathering attended; email read & responded to; 1 very odd journey home having laughed out [very] loud at my book on many occasions and then realising I wasn't the only person in the carriage. :0)

Friday - The Kid's music class and this week he emerged as star pupil due to his innate ability to 'bop' like a home boy whilst clapping furiously and, for the most part, totally in time to the music.  He was so immersed in the class that he only twice realised I was sitting beside him on the floor.  If I'd only thought to take MacBook with me I could have done a bit of writing. The only foot stomping occurred when the bubbles stopped and apparently the teacher felt so awful looking at his big, sad eyes, she carried on with the bubbles for a while longer, just for him.  I fear a future actor and/or muso in the making.  Either that or a Dictator...3 pages written (somehow); 0 calls made; all email read; 1 very proud mum.

Saturday - Amidst all the very tedious household stuff that has to be undertaken every weekend, I noted that Zone Horror have "Cut! The 2008 Horror Short Film Competition" running.  This is sponsored by C4's Fright Fest  and is worth up to £5k in winnings for a 2 minute film.  Closing date for entries is Friday 13th (!) June 2008 - so all you genre-istas out there - get going!  0 pages written; 2 chapters outlined; 0 calls made; 0 emails answered; 1 very domesticated-out mum.

Sunday - hasn't passed yet.  Anything could happen...may check emails.

And breathe.

Werds I Wish I'd Writ

I have just written an email stating my blog was 'a bit out of date': I hang my head in shame. I hadn't realised how out of date. Man, 'Tenacious Me' was starting to look like the pack of pitta bread I found at the back of my bread bin earlier on today - but at least the blog doesn't have the same mouldy aroma though. Not unless you have a scratch and sniff screen. And if you do, well...oh, never mind.

I digress.

Unusual for me.

Anyway.

The title of this post lends itself to a thought I had earlier in the week: if I could have written anything this year, what would it have been?

I had a long chance to ponder on this whilst stuck on my local ringroad due to:

1) Sheer volume of diverted traffic from the whole of London and the South East;
2) Traffic lanes shut due to the council lopping tree branches - WTF?;
3) Xmas shoppers hell-bent on 'ring-road-lane-rage' (which comes before 'parking-space-rage' and 'I-must-buy-everything-in-the-mall-rage)
and finally, my year round favourite:
4) Traffic signals that are totally out of synch for 2 miles

So, there I was - understandably for a while - running through all the totally brilliant pieces of writing I have heard/seen over the year. I managed to bottom out my top five and, as if by magic, a little ditty started playing on the radio. Then I realised, THIS is what I wished I had written. OK, it was released on their 2005 album, "All the Right Reasons", but hey. Call me simplistic, it kicks ass. Lyrics to laugh to. And then nod.

"Rockstar" by Nickelback
I'm through with standin' in line
To clubs I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
And I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want a brand new house
On an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough
For ten plus me
(Yeah, so tell what you need)

I'll need a...a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet
--(Been there done that)--

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and James Dean is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

[CHORUS]
'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And well...

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I'll have the quesadilla, ha ha)

I think I'm gonna dress my ass
With the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
Blow my money for me

(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair
And change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars and
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
Today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
Drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I'm gonna sing those songs
That offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills
From a Pez dispenser

Get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip synch 'em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

Well we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and Today's who's who
They'll get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
Drug dealer on speed dial, well

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

Every time I hear it/see the video, it makes me smile. Hell, it makes me laugh out loud. Loving it. What a perfect take on today's 'cul-cha'. So, what would your "perfect piece of literary '07" have been?

I bid you all a very pretty, Victorian picture card Christmas.

Mwah, mwah, Sweetie.

Heroes...

...of the Scribe Strike. No matter which side of the fence you fall, you've gotta laugh at this. Splendid fun.

Oh Guys...

Judging by the comments and emails I have received since my recent post: it's great to be missed!

Honestly guys & gals: eaten by cats, lost in 'Lost', rewriting 'War and Peace', run away with a sexy paediatrician, still giving birth? Just to explain - this is exactly what takes up all my living, breathing and [lack of] sleeping hours at the moment...

One, two, three....ahhhh. [Bucket please...]

Spot of Rugger, anyone?

Dear France,

Although I carve up your snow, enjoy your food and take in your stunning Alpine vistas, at this point I'm afraid I only have one statement to make:

9-14

Just in case you misunderstood: That's 9 to you . 14 to us.

GO ON, ENGERLAND!!!!!!! WELL DONE, LADS!!!! ;)

Oh dear...

Well, if it was a long time before, then it's a whole lifetime ago now. My last update, that is.

Up to my toots in dirty nappies and winning the tally on arguments with everyone in the medical profession - yep, that's me. I have been delicately informed that this first child of mine has been a "baptism of fire" and "the next one will be so much easier - you wait and see". Yeah, well folks, you can wait and wait and wait cos The Colic Kid is The One and Only as far as I am concerned. Far too much hassle and worry, these little sick uns.

ANYWAY. Moving on.

Whilst I was sleeping (in blogland perhaps; in reality - I just wish), I was tagged with a meme by that lurvly Bishop man...however, anything that requires more than 2 minutes of my time (apart from sh*tty nappies, my bed covered in baby puke at 4am and a cat disgruntled 24/7 by the lack of sleep...shame...) will have to wait a tiny little bit. Perhaps over the Bank Holiday weekend I will have five minutes to consider this little meme.

In the meantime...VIRGIN MEDIA! WHY IS MY F*ING TV SERVICE NOT WORKING - AGAIN - YOU BUNCH OF MONEY STEALING, INADEQUATE, RIP OFF SHYSTERS?

Ahem...my son is most irate at the lack of Teletubbies and I am most annoyed at anything that makes my son irate...you know, anything for an easier life...like knee caps. Comprendez? Good.

Lost the plot. Again. Til the next time: have a good Bank Hols one and all. Mwah, mwah.

x

BSSC - Round 1

Well, it's been a bit of along time again...

Many thanks to Lucy who very kindly informed me that I have got through the first round of the British Short Screenplay Competition! Y'see, as a Mum of two, she completely knows where I am at the moment with regards to an incredible lack of cybertime - and lack of real time, come to think of it.

Well done to Lucy too, as she has also got through and many congratulations to all fellow bloggers (such as Jason and Elinor) who also got through the 1st round! Anyone else? Let me know!

The Colic Kid has been taking up far too much of my time recently. Apart from the dirty nappies (he cries as soon as he's got a dirty one and for the second time he managed to fart a poo at me during a 4am nappy change), reflux vomiting (like a fountain), vinegar breath (acid smell from the reflux), constant feeds (it eases the reflux) and colicky episodes, he is a delight. He's smiling loads, giggling, trying to say 'Hello', copies me waving, lifts his hands and arms to be picked up, loves Teletubbies and the juggling Specsavers advert, looks as though he'll be crawling soon, tries to sit up by himself and is just about to embark on his first PhD - ok, maybe not that, but he's pretty smart all the same.

Anyway, got to dash as that's my cybertime up. The Colic Kid has just finished an equation and needs his next bottle...

Well, well, well.

Oh jeez, it's been a long time since I posted last. Where the f*%* did those weeks go? I'll tell ya where...

Well, first of all - in a chain of stranger than the strangest of strange events - something mightily odd happened. I got a phonecall, completely out of the blue, from a friend of a friend who also happens to be an Exec Producer. Small talk aside (I haven't seen him for a year), we then get down to the nitty gritty of his call - would I be interested in meeting up with An Associate Of His to discuss being part of a writing team on a new co-pro ongoing drama destined for ITV? Bemused by everything he's said, I agreed a coffee and a chat would very much be in order, and we arranged a meeting for the very next day.

Next morning, the sun was shining, the barista got my order right, the tubes ran like a dream, and I toddled into Soho with loads of time to chill and check my 'scribefolio', but still a little perplexed by how my name had entered the Execs' radar.

Then they arrived: Blackberrys in one hand, linen jackets in the other; we did the whole Mwah Mwah thing (I really miss that) and got down to business. So, it turns out I gave a really great off the cuff pitch a year or so ago to Exec Producer (I don't really remember it to be honest) and then very heavily voiced my opinion on the lack of US-style writing teams in the UK, and purely based on that plus an early spec script, they wanted my input and attachment to their Project.

We discussed the recent bout of dramas including 'Talk to Me' (which I ended up luuuuving) "True Dare Kiss" , "Cape Wrath" , "Dirt" and "Jekyll" and then they filled me in on all the pros and cons of the Project - which is absolutely brilliant, I tell you. Well, if that wasn't all gobsmackingly fab enough, they were actually looking for a verbal commitment there and then when my mobile rang, but being in a meeting of such excitement I obviously switched the call to voicemail. To cut all the boring contractual bits out, Exec went to the loo and Associate went to get more coffee in - and I checked my voicemail. What I heard was just beyond belief.

An old colleague friend of mine had left a message telling me his kids' TV series - for which I had written a spec script or two - had now been signed and greenlighted (green lit??) and he wanted me to pen 6 Eps. I mean, can you believe it? Was I having a dream day or what? Forty eight hours later I am signing two fantastic contracts and Exec Producer is asking me to pitch "a few more ideas" in a couple of weeks.

Wow.

All that, plus a month old baby who cries for 75% of each day due to the reflux and colic he's had since the day he was born. And if you believe any of the [work stuff] above I'm a better writer than I feel at the moment...

Sorry if you felt a little envious - but there really was no need. I lied. Big fat lies. I mean, come on - when do the tubes all run on time AND a barista gets your order right? I had to have a laugh somehow as the mass sleep deprivation is really getting to me...

Plus, if thetvcontroller can do it...

;)

Rantings & Ratings

Here's a little something from "Variety" this week - I found it mildly amusing.

"WRITER-PERFORMERS STAGE BALANCING ACTS
Hyphenates add fresh take to genres

In Britain, where a "season" of a show might easily be six carefully crafted episodes, it's commonplace to see a Ricky Gervais write every script and star in every episode. American TV, though, with its 20-plus episode seasons, has long adopted a tidy assembly-line approach: Writers work in the writers' room, actors on the set."

The report then carries on to state there is a whole new clutch of writer-performers in the U.S. battling away the hours both on set and in the writers' room - but the general worry is the length of day they work esentially doing two jobs...although, the outcome is proving good, regardless.

Well, after years of us being successful multi-talented multi-taskers, I am sure once the U.S. have got the hang of the UK-style, they'll be fine. Bless.

Other things to have caught my attention this week, other than the fact The Kid hasn't made an appearance yet?

I see the Ch4 documentary on Diana failed abysmally in it's 'mass ratings coup'. Whilst 6.2 million watched Surallan do his stuff on "The Apprentice", 3.8 million tuned in to watch "Diana - the Witness in the Tunnel" - not too bad, but I bet they were hoping for more - and they only received 2000 complaints - most of which were received before the programme went to air. That makes it alright then.

Did anyone really believe the documentary was going to reveal the real truth behind it all? Guys, there are some things we will never know. Ever. End of. And you can take that as you read it - conspiratorial, fait a complis, whichever.

And finally, last night's "Big Brother" managed to convince 4.6m to tune in to see the much publicised racist slur. What more can I say?

Pass me that self-labotomy kit - or a ticket to the U.S.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3

**Mini Spoiler Alert**

"A new overseas opening record of $214 million was set by Disney international distributor Buena Vista International as "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" blasted off on 17,500 screens in 102 territories over the weekend." Hollywood Reporter International

That's a lot of non-U.S. bums on seats and a serious wad of non-U.S. moolah, but with a budget in the region of approx. USD300million, I bet there are some happy execs puffing on cigars today.

Congratulatory news aside, I'm afraid I am still not clear on what it was really about. I made some very brief notes on my popcorn carton which stated:

- Opens like "Oliver!". But where's Fagin?
- Kid slips into song - more "Oliver!" - may break into rendition of "Where is Love?"
- The tedious parts of "The Two Towers" meets epic vistas of "Troy"
- Dialogue moments of "Spartacus"; but Barbossa (Rush)...trying out a bit of "Dirty Harry"?
- For those who didn't know Keith Richards - he had a guitar identifier. Subtle.

All in all, I am sure the kids will love it. I am not going to attempt to trawl through the entire story as my head still hurts thinking about it - and also that would spoil the confusion for anyone off to see it themselves. Keira does her pouts beautifully, Orlando does Errol beautifully, Johnny does Johnny beautifully and overall, the performances are a sterling piece of work. Just thank god they don't all do each other. I would have just given up and gone home.

The cinematography is fantastic, the sound is great - it's just...wtf is it about? What was the plot - actually I'm not sure which plot I mean. Half way through (we had a convenient 10 minute break in our screening...) I turned to The Glenster and asked him "What exactly is this film, about?". He looked at me like I was a nutter (probably wondering if I had forgotten I had seen the other two films) and then shrugged his shoulders. "Dunno. Pirates?" Mmmmmm. Dunno, indeed.

At one point in the movie Captain Jack 'Sparra' (Depp) swings from the mast of one ship to another. The line of dialogue following is, ”Do you think he plans it all or just makes it up as he goes along?". He may as well have - and so might the rest of the cast in a film where, if they stood still long enough, they too would have been CGI'd to Hell - or World's End - whichever came first.

And having given up nearly three hours of my life, I fear the latter is quite possibly far worse.

What's Up With June?

Right, now I am severely miffed. The stage beyond the proverbial that broke the proverbial has now been reached.

Let me explain something: if you are arranging a really interesting class/course/masterclass/meeting/night out on the beers in London, please - I repeat, *PLEASE* - do not schedule it for the weekend of the 9th, 10th or even the 11th June. In fact, don't schedule any time between the 9th and 22nd June to be on the safe side. That would be fab. As you may or may not know I am due to give birth around that time and possibly won't be able to get away to listen to your dulcit tones. Got that?

If I hear of one more event happening on this particular aforementioned weekend, just like the Women Writer's Network info on Robin Kelly's fab blog, then I am going to come along regardless and watch your faces pale as I go into the final stages of labour. Sure you got it? Most excellent.

You have been warned.

A Googled Virgin?

Much like the lovely, Lucy, I was fascinated to find out I get quite a few interesting daily Google search referrals - in my case, from peeps wondering what is happening at our favourite Compagnie du Jour - Virgin Media.

A bit like one of those little miniature disclaimers at the bottom of emails, I have to state now that I do not work for Virgin Media, have absolutely nothing to do with the Company and am merely voicing my own personal opinions as a paying customer of theirs, oh, and if the contents of this post are not intended for you please return it to the owner immediately. Huh? Anyway...

Back in VergingMeeeeejaLand, sorry - Virgin Media Land - I would like to report a vast improvement in their customer service and efficiency levels, which, after years of torture in ntl:Hell, comes as a breath of fresh air. Ok, we still don't have our beloved Sky channels back [yet] but there is promise of a return and in the not too distant future.

There is another merger/takeover bid simmering at the moment (as reported here) which is down to the fact that many peeps think Virgin Media are prime swoop-worthy material having lost so many subscribers due to The Sky Fiasco - i.e. they'll go without a fight and for half the price.

In my humble opinion, if this does happen no-one will really be able to take any of them seriously anyway: I mean, how many Multi-Nationals does it take to keep a TV Channel?

But that is when the customer gains the upperhand.

Be still and patient my Skyless friends - the sweet slurp of success will be ours to taste again soon.

Failing that, call up Customer Services and have a whinge - see what you get chucked into your package for free... ;)

Time's-a-tickin...

I came across the 'Spiky-Haired One' again at the end of last week - I think he may have been self-breeding in the house as another electrician metamorphosed from the airing cupboard (it's very warm in there), and that's where last week's electrical problem existed. The heating/water system is all sorted now though and it seems as though the issue of an electrical certificate is the sparky equivalent of pest control - all scuttling, swearing sparkies have now disappeared as if they'd never been here. It's strange, but I almost miss leaving little cups of ridiculously sweet tea around the house for them; and I almost cried when I found a tiny cut off piece of electrical cable embedded in my foot yesterday. It will be tough, but I have to be strong, hope my heating system stays working and find a way forward. Sparky-free.

It has been a rollercoaster ride over the last few weeks though, what with one thing and another, but I am glad to report our house extension/refurb etc has now been passed by the Building Control Inspector. I now await their all important certificate which will allow us to sell our house in the future, if we so wanted. Hallelujah! Never thought this day would come.

The Glenster has been busy in the baby's room deleting the old artex ceiling and perfecting the imperfect walls. Just the emulsion, glossing & the border to go up so we're/he's nearly there. Which is probably just as well as we found out last night that one of the girls in my NCT antenatal class had her baby (prematurely) on Saturday - both mum and baby are good, although baby is in special care/incubator having weighed in at just over 3lbs. Bless. It was a little scary to hear, but it was a really great way to see seven grown men look gravely ill in two seconds flat. Double Bless. ;) Guess we should really go shopping at the weekend and buy some stuff as all our baby would have at the moment is a (nearly) cool room, a bottle steriliser, a funky top for skiing (yes, you read it right) and an outfit for a 3-6 month old. Oh, and a book.

But between now and junior's arrival there's just the staircase to strip, re-stain & varnish and the decking to go back down in the builder's yard (a.k.a 'garden').

I see light glimmer at the end of a very unyeilding, twisted, tenebrous tunnel. Which is hopefully what my baby cannot see at the moment.

**Stop Press**

Hot off the press:

The "Offered" Pregnancy Test Kit (3rd April) was snapped up in an instant. Here is the response post:

"PHEW...TAKEN. PREGNANCY TEST - SORRY TO OTHERS INTERESTED.
Sorry to disappoint others - had to be first come first serve."

So, there you have it.

Meanwhile, back in TV land, Coral bookies (not on TV - the real company) are taking bets on the possible outcome of "Life On Mars". All probabilities are currently being ripped apart on The Railway Arms site.