An Off-Topic Ode

We've had lots of fun, haven't we, you and I? But now I am torn and beside myself with upset at the realisation it's time to go our separate ways. I'm not sure how I will cope - or indeed if I will.

I don't mean to drag up the past, but in all honesty, you have had me wound round your sexy appeal for too long and only now have I finally plucked up the courage to tell you how much you have let me down at times.

When I have needed you the most, you have appeared cold, aloof, distant and totally switched off. You built me right up into the clouds with promises, hope and faith, then you took a big step backwards and watched me lose my balance. When I turned to you in my hours of need you have stayed at arm's distance and stared blankly at me, or not even bothered to communicate anything at all. You slipped into my life like a hot knife through butter and then before I knew it, you were always there - within grasp of my fingertips - but never wholly committed.

Then there have been the times when you've been my inspiration, my closest friend and my confidante; my cook, my thief and my lover. Remembering those times makes my head whirl with excitement and my heart burst with pride; it makes me smile so wide I feel my mouth may unravel. Wow! We've discovered a whole new way of living, you and I, and it is something I will carry on doing forever - only next time, it will be bigger and better - that I can guarantee. There will always be empty promises in life - I know that - but happiness in however small amounts, is something I feel I must grasp when I can.

But here I sit - lonely, empty and cut off - and now, in my view, since you flounced not-so-balletically across the kitchen floor this morning, and deposited a small shard of glass in my cheek, dearest i-Phone: you are a useless piece of shit.

I shall have to dust off Crackberry until your replacement enters my life. Thanks for the memories. You tw*t.