Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Live From Mars

I'm convinced.

This morning I woke up to find I had crossed into my dual universe. I have made a quantum leap and didn't even try very hard. Everyone looks the same, hell, they even sound the same, but other than The Glenster and Millie The Cat (who seem to have remained normal), some strange shift has occurred.

No mail was delivered this morning. This was the first indication that all was not what it seemed. We always get mail - even if it is just one of those useless bundles of 'Revolutionary Home Helpers TM' crap that Postpeople get paid extra to indirectly stuff into our recycling boxes. But never mind, I thought, and off we went to the hospital for 09:30 for my 'final' scan and appointment with The Consultant. We arrived at the antenatal dept like so many times before, but this time I was accosted for a sample. Now, I have never had to provide one before (other than for my normal midwife visits) so I was a little confused. The midwife/nurse person slammed against her seat, totally aghast, thrusted an empty sample bottle into my hand and flicked me towards the door and toilets. There's nothing like peeing on demand.

Although I was the second appointment of the day, I counted 4 other couples going in to see The Consultant in front of me. Maybe I was doing one of my invisibility tricks? The Consultant eventually saw me at 11:00. We did all the niceties, but The Consultant seemed a little different to normal, almost a shell of his usual self; I had my blood pressure checked (another thing that has never happened on a 'Consultant visit'), and then up on the couch for the final scan. The measurements still indicated a larger than average baby with ridiculously long legs, and the CCAM on the baby's lung, although not regressed totally, was still pretty small. Good stuff.

Then the Seven Dimensional Einsteinian Hyperspherical Universe nodded it's head: did I want to pick a date for induction now, or wait for my next appointment with The Consultant? Exsqueeze me? Next appointment - that's when I'm due, surely? Induction? Possible Caesarean? WTF? Have I been living on another planet for the last 35+ weeks? Obviously.

The induction is mainly for the safety of the baby, which I can go with, but as I have always reckoned I'll be early anyway, I have never considered it. Now I am determined to have this baby early.

I'm off to do some research into ways of encouraging the little blighter out before the NHS Army wage 'The War Of The Bump' on me. If anyone knows any old wives tales', helpful tips, safe ways of ensuring an early birth (all after 37 weeks), please feel free to comment below.

I can't believe it's only lunchtime.


  1. Induction is NOT fun my dear, so you need to get this baby out ASAP.

    There is a hormone is male spunk that sets off labour, try having sex three or four times a day. It works. Trust me.

  2. Lucy, what can I say? I haven't had so much as a smile on my face all day until I read your comment and what a beautiful turn of phrase you have! I believe Prostaglandin is the hormone and I've heard many people swear by it ;0) but I don't want to entice the little bugger out (the baby, I'm talking about here...) much before 37 wks. Not long now.

    Failing that, there's always castor oil and orange juice :0() [gagging sounds]